As a family we don't raise our voices or shout too often, and I very rarely raise my voice at home to my daughter. (She is an only child, my husband also and my family are in the U.K so you could say we have a relatively quiet household)

So when something extraordinary happens and we (my husband and I) are having a heated debate/discussion about something, my daughter tends to think we are arguing and can get rather upset to the point that she doesn't listen when we try and explain the reason for it.

This has happened several times, particularly when we are in the car. (We live in a city where drivers are not courteous, and do not abide by any rules) So my husband and I can have very different opinons on how to handle things regarding other drivers.

The interesting point is that she doesn't get so emotional when her father raises his voice at her if she has been playing up, but when she hears us speaking with raised voices with each other, it really upsets her.

How can we make our 5 year old understand that sometimes things happen that can make us raise our voices at each other but that it doesn't mean we are angry at each other, and still maintain that shouting is not something acceptable.

Any tips would be most welcome!

asked 19 Nov '09, 14:42

Emi's gravatar image

accept rate: 19%

If she's bothered by you raising your voices at each other: does she often see you work through it also? If not, this might allow her to see the full cycle of anger, argument, resolution.

If she's troubled by the raised voices in general but you don't think raised voices are ok, then you need to admit to her that you were wrong, why you were wrong, and what you're going to do to help it not happen again. Otherwise I believe the message is that yelling is indeed ok.


answered 19 Nov '09, 15:30

Dinah's gravatar image

accept rate: 15%

Yes she does see us work through it, because usually it diffuses as soon as she becomes upset (and these debates don't last that long in anycase) We really do try and explain it, but she really has difficulty excepting that. Is it because she hasn't been exposed to much shouting that she makes such a big deal, I wonder?

(19 Nov '09, 15:51) Emi

+1 for just saying your are sorry and making up. If she noticed you fighting then she will notice you making up. You might not need to point it out, but you do need to do it in public. This is good for your relationship anyways I think.

(19 Nov '09, 16:03) MrChrister
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Asked: 19 Nov '09, 14:42

Seen: 2,099 times

Last updated: 19 Nov '09, 15:30