Did you always want to have children "some day"? Was the thought tucked away at the back of your mind and were you simply waiting for practical details like a stable job / sufficient funds / home to fall in place?

As of today, I don't feel like being a mom. I just don't see myself having kids. Not today, not tomorrow, not "some day". I love my mom, and I can find great amusement in watching kids, especially since they are so innocent. But I simply don't want to have one myself.

My question in some way is meant to help me understand if what I am going through is a phase, or if it is something more than that.

Your answers will help me immensely!

asked 27 Apr '10, 16:35

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Preets
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I didn't really picture myself having kids when I was growing up. I had other dreams and plans. They didn't specifically exclude kids, I just never thought I would have kids of my own. I found babies awkward and too fragile. I loved playing with young kids but more on their level then as an authority figure like I assumed parents and adults were suppose to be.

When I got married things just suddenly changed and I really don't know why they changed. I wanted to have kids and not only that, I wanted to be at home with them to raise them. I find so much joy in watching my girls grow and learn. There is so much that I want to teach them. My dreams and plans for my life have changed but not because my girls got in the way. I am glad I changed and am very happy to have two beautiful little girls.

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answered 27 Apr '10, 19:50

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nikjoyce
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Thank you so much for your answer. I suppose some more years into my marriage and I can find my ideas change too. One would just have to keep an open mind :)

(28 Apr '10, 12:00) Preets

It was very similar for me

(28 Apr '10, 12:01) brandstaetter

Also, I'd like to say I totally relate with "I loved playing with young kids but more on their level then as an authority figure like I assumed parents and adults were suppose to be"

(28 Apr '10, 12:38) Preets

Yes.

I always wanted to have kids. There were a good many days where I thought, "having kids will be so much work, and I just can't handle it" but usually these thoughts were overridden by the perceived joy of watching my child grow up.

Still, not knowing anything about you other than what you post here, I think what you are going through is a phase, and a perfectly normal one at that.

I think something that will help you is to ask "when and why?" Why do you not feel like being a mom? When did this happen, and has it always been there or does it come and go? If you can answer that, you can decide if you would like to change it.

If it turns out that you have always thought this, unwavering in your opinion, then most likely having children is not for you. Otherwise, you probably want to think it over thoroughly.

Time plays a factor, too. You may say that you don't want children now, but in three years the situation could be very different.

Don't worry about it no matter the outcome, though. Having kids is not for everyone, and not having them is not a stigma (though some inconsiderate people may treat it that way). If you have kids, have them because you (and your significant other, if you have one) want to. The same goes for not having kids.

Only you (and your significant other) can make these decisions. Whatever you decide, do it because that is truly what you want, not because of outside pressures.

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answered 27 Apr '10, 18:15

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Matthew Jones
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That you for such a thoughtful reply. Really appreciate it.

(27 Apr '10, 19:03) Preets

@Preets, you are very welcome :)

(27 Apr '10, 19:04) Matthew Jones

Well, when I was very small, 3 or 4 years old, and people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I always said "A Mommy!", so yeah, I always wanted kids. (And yes, people asked me that when I was that small, they'd been asking my older sisters and brother and didn't want me to feel left out, I guess.)

But, I have girlfriends who when they were in their 20's said there was no way they were going to have kids, no way, no how, no ma'am. About half of them changed their minds after they turned 32 or 33 (or loved their husbands who decided that they really, really wanted a baby and let themselves be convinced) and now have kids and are very happy Mommies.

The other half never changed their minds and are very happy being "Auntie" who gets to spoil our kids rotten and then go home alone with their husbands and sleep in the next morning, travel at the drop of a hat, and own white sofa's.

It might be a phase, it might be the truth of your heart. If you're thinking about it in your late 20's you're a smart woman, and you'll figure it out.

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answered 28 Apr '10, 00:40

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Neen
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1

I have some friends who like kids, but, for a variety of reasons, they don't want to be parents.

(28 Apr '10, 03:06) mkcoehoorn

Yup, most of my friends who've decided not to have kids are the same, they love kids, they just don't want to have any, for their own (often very different) reasons. Their reasons are completely valid and I totally respect them (just like they respect my reasons for having 4 kids spaced so far apart), the reasons I gave above are just the things we tease them about because we're jealous. (and they know it!) :)

(28 Apr '10, 04:19) Neen
1

Thanks Neen for the input :) LOL about the white sofa's :D

(28 Apr '10, 12:15) Preets
1

@Neen Removable off-white cotton drill cushion covers wash really well...:) We asked our daughter to be careful and we both (hubby and I in turn) ended up spilling tea and bit of a Magnum ice cream on to it...:)

(28 Apr '10, 15:08) Emi

Lol Emi! oh, well, like my Mom tells me "You're the one who lets them take their drinks in the living room!" And I know that if the toddler wasn't in the "if you shake a sippy cup, stuff comes out!" phase, I'd probably be the one spilling the grape juice on the furniture.

(29 Apr '10, 02:14) Neen

I think the answer of Matthew Jones is a great explanation and from a womans point of view nikjoyce also makes great points.

I too, think that what you are feeling at the moment is normal.

I too felt like that till the age of 34, we were happily married living comfortably with the sole responsibility for managing ourselves.

I think that lifestyles are subconsciously dictated to us, and in all honesty professions of all kinds have become so demanding and time consuming that once on that high speed train, you don't think about getting off and taking a break, because you are so occupied that you are not even aware that you are riding on it. Living at this speed, can leave little time for deliberation questioning and focusing.

Could this be a phase that you too are going through? I really think you are doing the best thing by asking yourself these questions...because by doing so you are able to reason with yourself instead of feeling awkward on the inside.

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answered 27 Apr '10, 21:51

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Emi
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edited 27 Apr '10, 21:56

1

What you suggest is pretty close to how I feel! moms4moms is a great place to find people who might have similar ideas - for not every time is it possible to have people in your everyday life see things the way you do. Thanks again!

(28 Apr '10, 12:08) Preets

Yes.

I can't remember clearly, but I've always loved kids, and I think from the age where I realised I could one day be a father, I did want to.

With reference to the other half of your question, and echoing the answers that are already here, and also in relation to your other question, I'd say having kids now because you're worried about complications later is not a good idea. However, thinking seriously now about what's holding you back (which is what you appear to be doing) is a good idea.

Is it a case of 'I am worried about this, this, and this', or 'I feel no particular desire to be a mum'? In the first case, it is easier to work through the points one by one - your worries may be valid, but there may also be creative solutions. In the second case, it's a bit more difficult to see clearly, but how about offering to babysit for friends - not just for an evening (when the kids are mostly sleeping anyway), but for an afternoon, for example. And talk to your girl-friends who are mothers, see how they felt before and after.

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answered 28 Apr '10, 10:56

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Benjol
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Thanks! I really like the babysitting idea! It could help me decide one way or the other. It also makes me reflect on a time I did live with a kid in the house. I loved playing with him, he was most adorable! But even then, not once did the thought "I wish I had a cute kid like this one" cross my mind. Sometimes, I wonder if I am too selfish to have a child! Not a good thought!

(28 Apr '10, 12:48) Preets

@Preets, just for fun, you could read this (http://www.stanford.edu/~bfenton/parenting.html), though it's not exactly designed to encourage procreation).

(29 Apr '10, 05:31) Benjol

As for selfishness, only you can really know that. Living on your own (if that is your case) for prolonged periods definitely deprives you of opportunities to be un-selfish.

(29 Apr '10, 05:56) Benjol

That piece was really funny! I really loved No. 8 :D

(29 Apr '10, 15:54) Preets

For me, this question always had religious overtones. I was raised Catholic, and we all know from early on that to get married in the Church, you have to be "open to children". I'm not saying that this how everyone ought to live, just what I was raised to think. So, I always knew that if I got married, I would have children. I did spend some time convinced I should be a religious sister, and at that point I'd obviously given up on being a mother. But life surprised me twice: I fell in love with a great guy, and about a year ago, we found out we were pregnant. Ideally, I would have liked to wait until we'd been married for six months or a year, but I'm crazy about our daughter and am thankful every day for her.

I will say that I've noticed a tendency in humans (especially women) to pour ourselves into something. Most of the older women I've met who do not have children and have no intention of having them have something else taking up their time and energy, like volunteer work or a passionate hobby. My friend Savannah is the lead female singer in a very busy local band and, with her husband, runs a monthly free LAN party. I don't know how they'd have time for kids even if they wanted them.

But that's just my two cents. I hope whatever happens in your life that it's for the best and what you truly want. As others have already said, consider it carefully, but never feel like it's something you have to do. Parenting is incredibly difficult and rewarding, but there are many other ways to find fulfillment in life. Good luck with your journey!

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answered 29 Apr '10, 14:25

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Artemis
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Thank you for your answer and also for the good wish :)

(29 Apr '10, 15:50) Preets

No, most of my life I was fairly indifferent to the idea of having kids (so was my wife, it's not just a male thing). It was still not a burning desire for either of us, but eventually we got to the age where we realized that if we didn't do it now, we never would, and later in life we'd regret it. We've been having an amazing adventure as parents, it's really fun, and we're so very glad we didn't miss out on it. We are very enthusiastic parents, by the way -- taking your time to decide and even being lukewarm about it beforehand does not mean you won't be a wonderful, involved, loving parent who enjoys every minute of it.

All that said, it's not for everyone. There's nothing wrong with you if you don't ever want kids and don't have them. There's tremendous societal (and family) pressure to do it, but don't do it unless you really want them. There's absolutely nothing wrong with liking your adult life the way it is.

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answered 30 Apr '10, 03:03

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lgritz
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+1 Well said, about it being an"amazing adventure" I also agree with the honesty factor towards yourself and your environs, I also absolutely agree that admitting that you are not into having kids, does not mean that you will be any less dedicated as a parent than someone who is very enthusiastic. "Something" happens inside when you become a parent, and that thing kind of enriches each one of us in a different way, and for me that's one of the greatest things that being a parent involves.

(30 Apr '10, 08:52) Emi

Thanks Igritz, I'm glad to know you changed your mind and are enjoying parenthood. You're right about the social pressure. I wish the society wasn't so hard on us sometimes!

(03 May '10, 15:11) Preets

I alway wanted to have kids and got clucky over everyone elses kids but I was also willing to wait a couple of years after we got married to get used to being married before we had kids. I had just turned 31 when our son was born 2.5 years after we got married.

My husband on the hand while not against the idea was not in the "I definitely want kids" category. He did know when he asked me to marry him that I definitely wanted to have kids. However as our kids have grown he has grown into the role and definitely would not have life any other way.

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answered 30 Apr '10, 04:31

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K D
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Thanks K D. As someone said earlier, we change our minds for the people we love. If one of us is really into the idea of having kids, the other partner can being to enjoy it too. Thanks again for sharing :)

(03 May '10, 15:15) Preets

Neither my wife nor I ever really thought about it. We were both willing, but neither of us ever talked about "should we have kids," or, "when should we," or "how many."

Depending on how old you are, Matthew's comment could be important:

You may say that you don't want children now, but in three years the situation could be very different.

We were quite old when we had our daughter but had minimal problems. We have a few friends who are around the same age who held off trying to have kids until they were sure they were ready, and in a couple cases they ended up not being able to have them.

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answered 28 Apr '10, 00:34

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Ward
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Indeed, that is a risk one takes if one waits too long. But then again, having kids when you are not quite sure is also a risk. It can turn out beautifully or it could really upset your life. Thanks for providing your input :) All the feedback I'm getting is really invaluable!

(28 Apr '10, 12:28) Preets
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Asked: 27 Apr '10, 16:35

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Last updated: 30 Apr '10, 04:31