Things parents never thought they'd say

I had a moment where I didn't know what to say. My daughter dumped a bowl of dry cereal on the floor so she could use the carpet sweeper. I was torn between scolding her for deliberately making a mess or praising her for cleaning it up, because I knew that, no matter what I said, it would probably be taken the wrong way.

"Baby, quit licking the cat, he can bath himself..." was the latest one.

"The dog is sorry she growled at you, but she doesn't like someone trying to poke her bum anymore than you do..." is an older one. (Personally I thought they were both lucky she didn't snap at him!)

My baby is a little young to draw absurd phrases from me just yet. However, my father frequently quotes this one from Raising Arizona:

Now you take that diaper off your head and put it back on your sister!

Very recently:

No Robin, you can't take your chainsaw to bed with you.

I recall saying "You can't have any more broccoli until you've finished your chips" (french fries) to my eldest when she was about 3. Unfortunately we no longer have to say that (she's 8 now).

"You can't go outside until you put some pants on!"

"[Child's Name], I really don't want to go to the ER twice in one week."

'Chairs are not for eating' 'Don't chew on the desk' 'Please stop trying to eat the couch'...

(she is getting in her two year molars and I am not confident how out furniture will make it through this stage)