A few times I've noticed that my daughter's friends have made plans without her and when she invites them to do something on the same day, they lie to her. Should I tell her what I know?

asked 18 Jul '10, 20:58

Karen%20Powell's gravatar image

Karen Powell
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Oh, ouch! That must just break your heart!

My first instinct was "I wouldn't!"

But I really, really try to stay out of my teenagers friend stuff unless I'm invited in, and the teenage girls I see on a daily basis I love dearly, but they aren't my daughters, so, I polled the various teenagers hanging around my house today and they said "Ummm, no!" too.

My 16 year old son's girlfriend and her best friend and the girl who's been one of his best friends since kindergarten think it would probably be counter productive.

  • They felt that either your daughters friends are jerks, and she'd have to figure that out on her own. She isn't likely to believe you that they're jerks, and she might hang out with them longer if she thinks that you don't like them than she would if she realizes it on her own. (Does that make sense, it did when they were talking about it. I'd forgotten how my thought-process worked when I was a teenager!)

  • Or that your daughters friends were really good friends, but what they were going to do that day was something that she wouldn't be allowed to do, or just plain wouldn't want to do, or someone she can't stand was going to be there, so they're lying to protect her from feeling left out. (This was the option I felt a whole lot better about! It also reminded me of how teenage girls don't do a darn thing without a plan that rivals the D-Day invasion. I'm so glad my life isn't that complicated anymore. Now I just need cash for the teenagers, diapers for the toddler, and popsicles for the pre-schooler, and I'm good.)

My sons and the other guys hanging around agreed, but said they have an official policy of never getting involved in their female friends "fights and girl-related crap, because the girls are just so much better at psychological warfare then we are!" That made the girls feel really good, really, which also tells you something about the thought-process of a teenage girl!

P.S. I've know these girls since they were 5, they are all really, really nice girls. Not jerks, if they've done this to someone, they'll have done it for reason #2.

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answered 19 Jul '10, 08:31

Neen's gravatar image

Neen
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accept rate: 30%

edited 21 Jul '10, 20:12

mkcoehoorn's gravatar image

mkcoehoorn
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Neen s answer is more practical but I think that I would approach the matter with discretion so as to avoid upsetting or offending my daughter while trying to understand the situation more. I would want to know the frequency of such occurrences. I would take into consideration my daughters behavior, current emotional state and spot any factors (like increasing loneliness /insecurity / teenage mobbing) which could cause bigger problems later on. This answer reflects my own personal preference in how I think I would react if I faced a similar situation.

I would speak with teachers too in order to get an additional perspective of the situation. Finally to try and answer your question, I think I would speak with her but not about a specific incident or be the bearer of truths that could be painful for her.

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answered 20 Jul '10, 10:26

Emi's gravatar image

Emi
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accept rate: 19%

edited 20 Jul '10, 10:32

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Asked: 18 Jul '10, 20:58

Seen: 6,642 times

Last updated: 21 Jul '10, 20:12